Before March 6, 2009 I didn’t really like the month of March. After our son’s passing on that date I have liked it even less. The weather still remains unpredictable. Any day of March in northwest Florida can bring blustery winds and cold temps; the last trumpet of winter. We get out our shorts and sandals one day and the next day could mean fireplace and sweaters. The azaleas are tricked into blooming by the fleeting warmth only to be frostbitten overnight and dead the next day. High winds may be good for kite flying but not good for fishing. “March Madness” means more about the bi-polar weather pattern than it does the end of basketball season.

I used to anticipate the worst anniversary of my life in the worst month on my calendar torn between two emotions; sorrow and joy. People who are not Christians probably would not understand the juxtaposition of such terms. Firstly, sorrow is an obvious emotion of loss. The cruelty of death….a ‘suicide’ death is devastating for many reasons but for a Christian it comes with a certain self- condemnation for those of us left in its wake. All learned from misunderstood religious dogma depending on ones denomination. Secondly, “joy” is also learned by the Christian about death because we know that death was defeated on the cross by Jesus Christ. There is no death for the Christian just a transitioning into eternity where life continues with God. Christians anticipate the second coming of Christ or upon facing an earthly death, transitioning at their appointed time into Paradise to be with Jesus.

March is timely in one respect for me, the beginning of Lent; the 40 days observed leading up to the crucifixion, death, and resurrection of Christ. Easter is to the Christian the most revered of all Christian observances. The season of Lent is not coincidental in that life springs forth at such a time as this. New tender green plants break the earth and the perennial is revived once again in its verdant finery to the thrill of color and fragrance. The life that lies latent in its winter darkness is drawn out by the sun and the rain. A season of two seemingly opposites joined to make certain life continues.

In the early days of grief my heart was utterly destroyed by the pain and agony…the missing of my child. I searched for answers to questions I never thought I would ever have to ask God. I longed for Jesus to wrap me in His arms and console me as only He could do. My struggle was not only temporal but spiritual. There seemed to be a ‘tug-of-war’ in my heart. The winds of March had beaten me down and standing seemed impossible. But God’s timing in His answer to me became apparent in the signs that I begged for and did receive. There was and is no doubt that Brandon is with Jesus as promised. In my shaken and chaotic grief hope was revealed and I found myself in the arms of my Jesus in ways only a Christian can understand.

These days, now that fourteen years have passed since Brandon’s passing/transitioning, life has changed dramatically. Today is the second birthday of our youngest great granddaughter. New life has come round to my husband and me four times by the births of our great grandchildren. The month of March is still that split personality with its struggle to leave winter behind and its job of welcoming the Spring. It is still the owner of our heartbreak date and also our heartfelt joy of God’s promise. I bid March good-bye with a deeper understanding of the unpredictable yet predicted purpose of its existence.