DISCLAIMER: I hope the anger that inspired these words and thoughts will not take off in a convoluted rant that turns the reader away. I hope to write the rest of this post with clarity of mind, strength of spirit, and honor to God Almighty. Religious types can either read on and be informed or turn away and remain in your judgmental fog of ignorance.
This Sunday morning, as I always do, I poured my coffee and joined my husband who is already up most days, watching the news or on Sunday morning, televised church services. Today he had the channel already tuned in to “In Touch” with Charles Stanley, the pastor of the First Baptist Church of Atlanta (not the denomination that I am a member of but was ‘raised in’..so-to speak.) I already have a history of sorts with this pastor because he has made me angry on several occasions over other sermons concerning “courage” and “depression” that always brings up the topic of suicide. To this man, if you lack courage and have depression, you lack God in your life (again restated in his sermon this morning.) Of course, I am always sensitive to the subject of suicide because of my son’s manner of death. Those who are faithful readers of my blog know that I am a Christian and so is my entire family. Because of this my radar goes up when religious people make any statements of their understanding of suicide…or rather, “committing suicide”..which, by the way, needs to be changed to “died by suicide.”
I wrote an email to Charles Stanley during the first year of my son’s death by suicide, pointing out his ignorance of suicide and mental illness. His overall sermon unfairly judged depression and those “who give up or do not have God in their lives.” I could not finish hearing because of my raw nerves and anxious heart. If he finished that sermon with any understanding of suicide or mental illness, I apologize for my own judgment of him….but, as it was going…his words were ill-fated to me, a grieving Christian mother who was searching for comfort and answers from God by way of those “chosen” to impart it. I have learned a valuable lesson from the slap in the face I received: to get my understanding straight from God and not the so called…”called.” Stanley did, however, have his staff send me a comforting letter concerning the soul of a Christian. As a matter of fact, it was not Stanley who answered my email…again, someone on his staff.
Religious types look at all the flaws in the human character as sinful. And certainly, God’s Word tells us that “all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God” and that “the wages of sin is death”…which tells me that none of us are getting out of this life alive unless Jesus returns. I don’t know if the reader will have an understanding of the Christian faith unless they have accepted Christ by faith and are on their own path of learning how to live as Jesus would want for us. The Bible demonstrates God’s character and love for His creation. In saying all of this….I am tired and fed up with preachers who have no empathy, compassion, and understanding of just how bad it can be for everyone “out here.” I am sick of the moralists who have passed judgment, using the very word of God who warns us NOT to do that. Jesus was not happy (as in ANGRY) with the religious people of His time and I am sure that prevails to this day. Religion has given Christianity a bad name, throughout time, all in the name of Jesus. What was meant for good has been turned sour by mankind…could it be the whole of it is flawed because of this? Could it be that people who dare to say they were “called” to the ministry weren’t really “called” but rather chose their career so they could have “free housing” and a more than handsome salary paid by a congregation that wants to “hear” more? I do not profess to know their hearts. I can say what I see and feel from my own experiences. Not everyone operates on “selfish” and there are very sincere people who know how to show love in the holiest of ways. But church people have filled my mouth up with profanities as of late. Please forgive me.
My understanding of the Church is that it was established for believers to congregate and encourage one another, as well as, to worship our Lord…to pray and have communion. But that is just the building or place ….the real church dwells within us who have Christ as our Savior. I am the church wherever I go. I am the church, sitting here posting this blog. I do not need the building to give me value. In fact, it is within those walls where I have felt more or less “unloved” by my fellow congregants. “All have sinned….” yes, even the lady who sits on the front row who “gives her money” faithfully, the man who shakes your hand vigorously and loves you with his smile, the deacons, the elders, the nuns, the priests, the pastors, etc….ALL.
Most of my life I have been a church goer. As a member of the Methodist faith for the past 22 years, we have seen a number of ministers who have come and gone…as it is the Methodist way of doing things. They serve about 4 years and then are sent to another church. They all differ in style of message and delivery; some draw the congregation in and we learn from them, some inspire, some are just plain boring, fulfilling the last duties before retirement….some are all about bringing in money and some just “following in the family footsteps”…whatever the reason…people can feel if the “calling” is sincere. More and more I have found fault with the church/pastors since our tragedy because it has not lived up to my expectations as has been taught to me all these years. It was during the worst time in my life that the church has failed me in many ways.
I am home today instead of being at church…the message we heard this morning on tv turned off because of some man’s interpretation of what he believes is truth. I am learning that I must be inspired only by the Word as I read and seek out the answers through prayer and expectation from God…not mankind. My son is gone because …well, we die. He was injured and maimed by all the things in this life that should have been a positive…LOVE. His sad emotions and mental state were not something he would have chosen for himself….nor others who have died this way…or face it, any other way.
The Church is supposed to be about love. It is supposed to teach it and show it. We are all supposed to love because GOD IS LOVE. We were given passionate love and physical love by the God who created it…and yet, mankind has poisoned it. The secularized kind of love is an indictment of sorts as to how that poison is awash in our society. Holy love is what the church professes to have and yet, it fails and is no better than that of the world’s view.
Recently, I sent a lengthy email to our fairly new pastor. I expressed my personal and heartfelt concern about the need for the topic of suicide/mental illness to be addressed from the pulpit as a means to those of us (several in our church) to cope with the tragedy and to more or less educate the spiritual aspect to our members. I told him of my blog being dedicated to the subject of suicide. Here is the reply:
“Thank you Dale for the email, I was not aware of your son. The response of the church should always be one of love and care. I will read your blog and I look forward to speaking with you. Mike remains in my prayers.”
My husband had surgery on his hand a few months ago (reference to Mike) …..other than that short response pointing out what I already knew, there was no “I am sorry to hear about your loss” kind of compassion…only that he “had not heard about your son.” The overall edict about the church is a generalized statement about how a church should be, what one hopes it to be, what God would have it to be. His brief response to me is indicative of how the church and its leaders is an insipid arm that very seldom practices what is preached. Pastors included.
I have yet to hear from this pastor who obviously has other more important things to attend to…this the season of stewardship and money gathering in our denomination. Oh we of little money and position. Meanwhile, I will garner from the Bible what I know God wants me to know and be comforted by that. I don’t need interpreters. I will not look to the church for anything more than the concrete and brick that it is, that houses hurting, imperfect people, that gives the appearance of holiness to an unsuspecting outside, that would suffer at the hands of an angry Jesus if He were to return today to turn over the pews and pulpits for all the corruption it symbolizes.
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SUICIDE and Hope 
This is a good post. It is a shame when Religion gets in the way of Christianity and Love. I think that is way so many have turned away from traditional Churches. Thank you for sharing.
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I appreciate your comment. Thank you….God bless you.
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Dale, I turned away from Charles Stanley a couple of years ago when his preaching became politicized. I was horrified and extremely unhappy that he was discussing political rhetoric from the pulpit. I have not watched his program since. I, too, sent him a letter; I did not hear back. I have since become a fan of his son, Andy Stanley, who preaches to the “unchurched,” and to those of us who are “outsiders.” From my experience, Andy has love, grace and mercy in his heart, and offers it to those in and outside the faith.
I agree completely with your post. Those who do not subscribe to the words of Jesus should not call themselves Christian; they certainly should not be on the pulpit. Those who continue to listen to the elder Stanley are captive to law, and he reminds them every Sunday that law is more important than love. All we can do is pray that his listeners and congregants will have eyes to see and ears to hear the real Jesus.
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I have heard of Andy. I like the fact that he is non-denominational. Legalism is why Jesus came…so that we can be free…truly free and forgiven. Thank you dear friend for commenting. xo dale
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I completely agree with you, Dale.
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You already know how I feel about the ignorance surrounding suicide – in fact, it’s mostly through your blog that I’ve seen how potent it is. I still find it shocking…although why anything shocks me is a mystery. We live in a crazy, ego-driven world. How can anyone profess to “know” the whole truth, the whole story? Where’s the humility, which has to be part of the spiritual? And what kind of God would condemn anyone who’s in so much pain they know no other way than to die by suicide?
Dale, you know the truth. Whether you call it God or Life or Higher Power – It’s a benevolent force. I’m so sorry Brandon hurt so – he was sensitive and artistic, and it’s a hard world for someone who feels so much. Maybe the crazies who condemn suicide seem to be making a lot of noise, but God is in the silence of those who love and care for you.
Count me in.
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Lovely, Denise…”but God is in the silence of those who love and care for you.” It touches my heart today in ways you can never know. As much chaos and judgment the world raises, God is a benevolent listener and lover of our hearts. He knows the secrets and the struggles…the pain and the reality of our world. I am blessed that He, in His mercy, has given me friends who listen and comfort in the midst of all of this. Thank you for being here for me. I DO “count you in.”….xo dale
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Though, I can not relate on the subject of suicide (And, I am deeply, deeply sorry for such a loss), I can however, tell of my own struggle with Charles Stanley. I had always respected him, until I heard a message on grace. Stopped listening to him for a while only to start again, and of all subjects to hear (One of which I struggle with the most) tithing. He said, “You don’t love God, I’m sorry, you just don’t, if you don’t give Him 10% of your income.” I broke down and cried. Once again, I felt this heavy burden of condemnation. NOT conviction. My husband and I are both disabled and live on a very fixed income. If we were to tithe, we would be left with less than 400.00 dollars to live off of each month. I wonder if Charles Stanley would be willing to live on less in order to love God…more? He also said that we should give out of our need, not abundance. I am so sick and tired of feeling condemned…told I do not…can not, love God unless I give money. Well, what about, ‘those who are forgiven much, love much?’ I am a volunteer at my local YWCA. I give of myself, my time. It’s all I can do right now. I say shame on the mega churches who dictate law disguised as grace. That is not the grace that saved a wretch like me! I was going to write to Charles Stanley but having read what happens, I have reconsidered. Thank you for all your stories and open hearts.
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Thank you for reading my blog and sharing your experience as part of Stanley’s audience. For him to condemn Christians from the pulpit and say that God doesn’t love them because they don’t tithe 10% is incredible.
I have always heard it said that “condemnation” comes from Satan and “conviction” from God. I also believe God examines the heart of the giver whether we give of our time or money. God knows your situation, too. Jesus told that the woman who gave all she had even though it was very little…..gave much. God loves you and your husband because you are fearfully and wonderfully made! I pray God continues to bless those around you with the good you do for them. Again, thank you. We can only hope Stanley will lean not to his own understanding.
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I’m truly sorry for the loss of your Son, I’m truly sorry for the woman upset over politics discussed from the pulpit, so sorry for the woman upset over tithing her money and certainly the woman that calls Jesus Christ a “higher power or force. Women today feel their emotions, problems, “feelings” and thoughts should be heard and agreed with. They desire pity and oh bless your hearts. This is NOT Scriptural ladies. I too am a woman. A woman that has been redeemed by Jesus. Almighty God gave Himself that name. He has many, higher power or force is not one. I have read each of your woes. God is STILL in control and on His throne. Each of you are angry with Bro. Stanley for one reason or another. He IS a called man of God. He DOES preach the truth. And Jesus told us if we do not forgive others He will not forgive us. And if we are offended we are to go to them. You are all scripturally standing on sinful ground. Read Gods Word. Bro Stanley simply preaches Gods Word. You with tithing…95% of Christians that ever lived are on a fixed income…Gods not ignorant…He does not change His Word for your situation…instead He blesses obedience…you are limiting Him…$400 a month with obedience to Him will go above and beyond anything you could imagine. And yes we all grieve over the loss of a loved one. And yes each person has their own reasons for suicide… but the fact remains…God gives life, God takes life…His choice, He is God. If suicide is committed there is either a mental problem or a spiritual problem. Bro Stanley was addressing the spiritual problem. And you seal your woes to come by speaking against a man if God…look to see how that worked for Miriam, Jezebel etc. Ask Jesus, that IS His name, to forgive you, repent and believe on His death, burial and resurrection and ask Him to save you. He will. And when He does…you will have no more disdain for His called pastors that are simply preaching what He has in His Word. You see, your real problem, each of you, is you are angry with God, not Bro Stanley. More proof? Delete this post. Repent and turn from your anger and turn your eyes upon Jesus. Only way.
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I have read many of your posts. I have heard your grief thru your words. I can feel your pain in them. Our Son was born in 1983. I can relate to his being your world. By the grace and mercies of God, mine is still here. The pictures you shared…he was a very handsome young man that looked happy and loving. I’m beyond sorry that he is gone. It’s truly awful and I can’t imagine you were unable to tell him goodbye. And to say in time it will get better would be a terrible untrue thing to say. His memory and the ache to hold him will be with you until you leave this earth. And, I’m sorry, I have no intention to judge your salvation. As the woman said on war room, Lord help me not to push to hard, I have a big mouth. I have a heart of mercy and I so want to help you. I’m not sure how. I am praying for you. I do KNOW that Jesus can bring you thru this huge valley of grief. I have watched Him bring others thru. Bro Stanley would not be insensitive if he was the one that actually got your email. Yes, we are all human, yes we all sin. If you want to email me in private, please do. I would just like to help. I’m not full of wisdom, no letters behind my name. Just a Christian Mama that loves Jesus and thru Him I love other women. And my heart hurts when I hear women lashing out. Again, I’m so sorry, I wish I could fix it for you…but I do know the only One that can. And I know He wants to. 💙
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Cristy, I hear a softness in this post that wasn’t there in the first. I think our comments passed each other on the way to being published. Thank you for caring and reaching out. I wrote this blog when I was in the newness of my loss and screaming for answers, finding little comfort from Christian leaders; some known some not. It was
the salt in my agonizing wound. I would be deceiving others if I wasn’t truthful about this immense pain and the reaction of those I turned to for comfort and encouragement. We don’t always have the answers even though we are Christians. Yes, Jesus has been my ROCK all of my life and that of my son’s. So you can imagine the devastation when my son passed. To have a pastor whom I thought could help and had listened to on occasion make a sweeping judgment on depression as a lack of faith, made me reel with sickening disbelief. It was then I realized I would go to God for my answers and peace not a mere man who knows no more than I on the subject. I think we all find our own way through loss but I could never have gone through it without my Father in Heaven. He sent me It Is Well With My Soul. I encourage you to find the topic on the drop down menu on the home page. It is my testimony and in a way…my son Brandon’s. Again thank you and God bless you.
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Hi Cristy. Send me your email and we can keep in touch. I know you are a kind person willing to console a stranger. I can give you mine and we can go from there. I will remove my email after a while so contact me if yoi would like. God bless you. jojanama4@gmail.com
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Dear Readers, the only reason I “approved” Cbristy’s reply is to prove my point about the judgment of other Christians who are legalistic, condemning others who are broken and in grief over insurmountable loss. This person knows nothing of the complicated grief caused by suicide. She, instead, defends someone who, because he is in the pulpit, judges the hearts of those people he knows nothing about. I am a Christian and so was my son and yet this reader replies as if she skipped over that part or is foolishly judging us because of how she interprets scripture and honors a human being who is also a flawed sinner as we all are. Stanley is forgiven for making such a generalized statement about depression but he stands accountable for being the judge of something some called to preach i.e. Charles H. Spurgeon were afflicted with. Since the reader uses scripture to judge we who grieve, perhaps she should read closely the NT and seek out the grace of Jesus Christ….after all “that IS His name.” Meanwhile, I am still the loving, grieving mothet of my sweet, loving, AND FORGIVEN child of God. I do not need a stranger to come here on my blog and condemn us and my other readers who have also felt the sting of death but as Christians are victors over the grave!
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Dale, I heard this sermon today on the radio Jan. 2022. To say I was upset about the content would be accurate. He mentioned that if you had a loving relationship with God, Godly friends and anchored in the Word then you shouldn’t be suicidal. My sister had all THREE things in her life and yet she STILL took her OWN life. Suicide isn’t that SIMPLE. Mental illness is huge. It robs the individual of so many things; one being their thoughts being altered greatly from their mental illness and doing things that in their “right” mind they otherwise wouldn’t.
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Thank you for your comment Noelle. I am sad to hear about your sister and the unbearable grief you and your family have undoubtedly endured. It only makes it worse when we are subjected to the hurtful opinions of the self righteous who think they know God better than others and the hearts snd minds of our loved ones who were ill May God bless you and your family. Your sister is at peace in the arms of her Jesus.
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